Change- a brief summary of experiences

The following is a stream of consciousness post, in part because I just need to expel some thoughts and wish to do them constructively (i.e., not talking to other people who don't want to hear about it).

Change is often far more difficult and grueling than we ever thought it would be at the outset. Such is the case in my life currently. I'm really trying to change the way I am and in the process am faced with all the inner workings of change and its implications on all of life, even my purpose. It's really been hard to do so and I constantly have to rein myself in. The one fact that I hold onto as a priceless gem is the truth that God knows me intimately, my weakness and ability, and nothing will exceed it. Nothing will overtake me in which I cannot ultimately find victory over when I am in connection with my God.

There is so much unresolved everything in my head right now. I feel so quiet and reserved, as if I'm holding back so much of myself. And at the same time, not many people notice, as long as I articulate myself normally, the frequency (or lack thereof) doesn't seem to alert anyone to anything. I wonder if anyone will notice. I wonder if i desire them to notice so that it can validate my change. I don't know.

Something strange about this journey: it has passed in clearly defined stages. There was the critical-analytical stage, where I maintained current behavior and spent all of my conversation time figuring out what it means (and it was a lot of time). The second phase was depressive, self-mutilation (figuratively) destructive phase. I was constantly discouraged and realized the totality of my failure in the questioned area and felt completely powerless to change or effect it. The third stage is where I reside currently, which is the William Wallace phase. Essentially, it's comprised of me running and screaming (metaphorically), trying as hard as I can to change it, effect it, understand it, and find some measure of success. We'll see where it goes from here.

These aren't really thoughts about change and I'll articulate those some other time when they are fully incubated. Basically it boils down to one question: What right do I have to try to teach others/ help them to grow? This was something Dad asked me and it's really shaken down all the way to the core of my philosophy of ministry (leadership too) and purpose in life. We'll see what comes out. I'll keep thinking.

Leaving blood on the floor of the Valley, yet tirelessly pressing on,
-Storyteller