Back to the Basics

The last few days have been categorically sad and mopey, and I sat down last night to figure out why I felt as I did. This blog bears testimony to the harsh reality and trial of the last couple months of my life. I've just felt so...dissatisfied. With everything. Life, friendships, relationships, finances, classes, responsibilities. Everything. What I realized as I recounted my life over the past few weeks, God's presence was called to memory. It's the one thing that's gone right. He hasn't solved my problems or made things any better, but He's taken every step with me. Sometimes He watches me stagger and fall, but He never leaves. He may lead me into a battle I do not think I can win, but He always fights at my shoulder.

My memory of the list of things I want in life was also provoked as I mulled over my situations and responses. The first thing I wrote, first thing I circled and first in overall importance was that in my life, I wanted to walk with God. That has happened. It is the rest of the list that has fallen apart. It is as if Jesus asks, "Am I enough? Just me? Okay, how about now, when your defenses have been annihilated and your nerves are raw from the pain? What about now?" It's not some cruel game, but a way to give me what I have already expressed I want most in life. Apart from my trials I would not have experienced the closeness that I have with my Savior. He is truly my best friend, more so that any time in my life prior.

So that's life now. I bleed emotionally every day. I have so many failures, faults and reminders of those things surrounding me. But I rejoice in my trials insomuch as I am able. Why? (because it's actually insane). Because the weightiness of my Lord Jesus and His presence as I totter along this dark path which burrows ever deeper into trial is greater than the implications of my situations and emotions. That's hard when you can't feel it. I can feel his hand upon my shoulder, around my back, carrying me, helping me, aiding me. That's all I get. That has to be enough.

Walking the next mile of valley,
-Storyteller