The Five: I don't really trust God

So as I read through Soul Revolution over the last few days, he encouraged me to make a list of the things I long for, the desires I have for my life. From that list, I was told to select the 3-5 most important to me, the ones I wouldn't want to live without. I knew immediately which ones the five were and also immediately realized that the rest of the things I wrote down don't matter at all to me if the five do not exist. Here are the five, in order of significance to me:

1) See Peoples' Lives Change
2) Learn
3) Fall in Love
4) Be a Good Husband
5) Be a Good Father

The difficulty in these five things are the lack of 3-5 in my life. 1 and 2 are there and for that I am so grateful. But I'm clinging viciously to the last three because more than anything else, I am afraid that God will take them away once I open my hand to him and allow him to have that area and to do whatever he wants with it.

Last night I made a breakthrough, emotionally spent and torn in half. I have conceded veto power to God over the woman I marry. I know he's ultimately in control, but this is a concrete expression of trust willfully given over. I feel like I've only uncurled my pinkie from my clenched fist, but it's all I can give right now. Today I've been thinking a lot about the next step and giving him complete control over the person. I will submit to his "Yes" or "No." That, once again is an insignificant and foolish thing. It's so minuscule; but I can feel him coming alongside me and loving me and blessing me for the exertion of my pathetic faith. He is so great!!!

It makes me think of John 4, where the official won't trust Jesus to talk about anything but healing his son, and doesn't even confirm faith in Christ, but Jesus heals his son anyway. That's how I feel right now. My wussy faith is absolutely laughable, but I suck so much that I can't/ won't trust Him with more yet, even though I know He loves me and will make it okay in the end. (and not just okay, but best). *Sigh. I actually did there, and that's kind of the end to my massive run-on sentence of emotional bankruptcy after all God's been working in me this week. Open the floodgates again tomorrow and we'll see what He does. :)

-Storyteller