Daunted

So it's been a long week, one that has felt like an eternity, one which I am glad has finally finished its course and left me reeling in its wake. I'm scared, frustrated and discouraged. But I'm moving. That's the key and that's my hope. I'm trying the dig my way back to Jesus and finding that he's already right here. Basically the last week can be characterized by failure. This failure discouraged me, and the frustration drove me from God because I kept thinking that God didn't want to talk to me because I was sucking at life. Really, I didn't want to talk to him because I was ashamed of myself and selfish and broken and unwilling to lay it at his feet. I was prideful because I thought I could fix myself. So I shut down, emotionally, mentally, everything. Pain kind of came, but by then, like I said, I had stopped feeling.

Over the last couple days God has been impressing on me how much I need Him and highlighting failures still, begging me to come back. For some reason, I decided to start being vulnerable with people, and God placed so many people who told me exactly what I needed to hear. It was as though I wasn't responding to God, so He sent people to meet some of my need, enough of my need, to drive me back to Him. Yesterday I sat on my couch with no sound, no speech for one and a half hours (I slept for 50 mins, but still). It was what I needed and clarified the self-destructive journey I'd embarked on. I'm so thankful I'm doing this 60-60 experiment to bring out these life choices I would not normally have seen quickly and accelerate the process of turning back to God. I'm well today. Battered, bruised, daunted by failure. But Redeemed, loved, and held tightly by my Savior. We're talking. And that is the biggest blessing of all. I'm so thankful for Emanuel, God with us.

-Storyteller