These two words depict the totality of my existence today. I didn't get much sleep yesterday and therefore lived in an emotional, frustrated, unloving, isolated way for the majority of today. I was terribly selfish, but I have very gracious friends and the gracious one, my God, who bore with me. It makes me sad as I reflect on all the chances to do something God wanted (I wanted to say something significant) and completely passed them by, even knowingly doing so.
I am now writing an hour and a half after the first paragraph of this blog. As I was typing, Tim Dwyer walked in and asked how I was. I decided for the first time to not be selfish and tell him what God was doing and how selfish I had been and confessed this whole thing to him. He then responded by saying that he actually had wanted to talk to me all day and this just happened to be the time he had. He's been struggling with anger and came with much of the same humbled posture that God has placed me. What a blessing to talk with him, minister Christ's truth and love to him and encourage my brother.
All the while I sat there, in my mind asking, "What the crap, God? You aren't supposed to bless me and give me opportunities to minister. I'm supposed to be miserable for awhile." Yet, the love and grace of Christ is such that in our weakness we are permitted to share the love that is overflowing from us with hurting people like us. What a gift!
From there I had the opportunity to have three other conversations with hurting guys (yes, all tonight, and since I wrote the first paragraph). He continues to use my broken spirit to reach out to these men and touch them.
Why did you use me, Lord? I don't get it? I don't deserve this love, this grace. Thank you so much. I love you, but only because you loved first, perfectly, sacrificially, and I am a fallen, marred human. Yet you love me; yet you use me. Thank you. I cannot understand the depths of your riches and mercy. But I thank you for them. You are the mighty God, the Name above all names, the King of Kings who reigns on high. Thank you for being Immanuel, God with us.
-Storyteller
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