Full Spiritual Inventory

So today there were a lot of thoughts. One thing I did was wait all day for Susan to message me back. I really like her. The real test though was the full inventory that I was encouraged to do in Soul Revolution.

What follows is that list. Sometime soon I will give this to Nate Claggett (unless you read it first).

Resentments:
Myself: for failing in a relationship with Julee and letting people down and not being who I should be.
Julee: nothing really, more connected to resentment toward myself.
Julee's dad: the pressure and family atmosphere and making me feel guilty for breaking up with Julee.
Finlay: for lying to me and putting space in our relationship. for resenting me and hating me and resisting my attempts to love him.
Jake Kadwell: for the shenanigans and foolishness he, Adam, Rob and many of the other guys in the dorm do that is unloving and disrespectful to Roddy and his brothers.
B: for having sex with his girlfriend and being ok with it. for putting me in the position of being afraid to say something about it.
Tricia: for not respecting mom and dad and hating them. for not caring about God.
Tim: for not listening to me and talking over me.

Fears:
Lack of significance
Failure
Rejection
Loneliness
Being Mediocre
Losing a hunger for God, learning, changed lives or growth
Not being someone

Moral Behaviors:
Being addicted to Pornography from time to time over the past several years
Masturbation
Lying about that sexual sin and acting like I was better than others struggling with it.
Judging others
Stealing music
Lying about stealing that music and acting superior over others
Gossipping and slandering others to make me feel better/ justified
Not being honest with people
Hating others

Pride and Selfishness:
I don't give to others at my expense
Thinking I'm pretty good
judging others
I don't rely on anyone, including God. I only trust in myself.
Neglecting discipline as an RA
Neglecting responsibility
Complaining about everything
Holding people to unrealistic expectations, ones that don't apply to me
Not trusting God because I trust me.

Relational/ Emotional Struggles:
Finlay- Trusting him again after being hurt by rift in friendship and his sin.
Susan- Hoping in her more than God.
Julee- I see my own animosity, failure and disappointment caused against her.
Mike- Failure to love him as-is. Being annoyed by him and not seeing him like Jesus
Nagle family- for what they did to my dad and their wrong and destructive behavior/thought.

This is my list. My goal is not to grieve you by posting this list here. I think the only people with this blog are still Finlay, Claggett and Dad. If you are mentioned, please don't see this as a release of confidentiality. I hope I only showed where I sinned against you. If that is the case, I humbly ask for forgiveness. I only seek to bring this painful, shameful sins to light so that God can work on them. I love you all and would ask for your help in this process. I can't do it alone. Not without you, not without God.

After writing this list, I confessed each thing to God and we talked about them. I've been carrying/ excusing some of these for a long time. I can already see God showing healing just from the freedom of forgiveness. And the only reason for that forgiveness is because of Jesus. Because he shouldered the pain, the sin, the death I deserved for these terrible acts on that cruel cross. But praise the Lord for his kindness to me; to Jesus for his payment of my share of God's Wrath and separation from Him.

Praise be to the Light of the World, who came to sanctify His Bride, and to bring to light the hidden things so that we might be brought out of darkness and into relationship with Him.

-Storyteller