Another slab of my heart

Here we go, what does 1am and stream of consciousness have in common? that's right, this serving of my thoughts and emotions also known as a blog. And yes, this one is rather brutally honest, so what are we waiting for?

So here we are, I'm kinda moody, sad and whatnot because I miss... I don't know, I guess human interaction with non-family. I miss getting messages from Susan. I wonder if she's working a lot or blowing me off cuz she figured out I really like her or maybe something else. Either way, I'm freaking out (even thought I shouldn't be) and on top of Susan, I keep thinking about Finlay and Claggett and wishing they were here, wishing I had one friend here to hang out with and do stuff.

Tonight was a bloody mess battling pornography. I cried out so many times, and God helped me. I don't really know how; I stood looking at the tv thinking of how I could do it. That I wanted so desperately to do it. But I couldn't. Not if I wanted to be the right kind of husband. I couldn't do that to God, maybe to Susan, whoever my future wife is. I just can't. I just kept calling out to Jesus, pleading for His help, admitting that I couldn't do it alone. I can't do it alone... I'm not strong enough. The only reason why I didn't give in tonight is because He did something.

This changes my theology of change, I think. More and more the things I keep hearing from God (via His Word and others, particularly my dad, sister and John Burke) is how much I suck and can do nothing without Him. I want to sin and I'm completely incapable of pleasing God at all without being connected to Him. and that connection is in and of itself the end. I'm such a mess. In every way possible I am a mess. I am addicted to video games and porn, even though I can refrain from them for a time, the lust is still there... and I am not strong enough to resist. Only God has brought freedom from abusing the first and viewing the second. I am a self-righteous pious judgmental idiot who has the plank in his eye. I do not love others at all, instead my responses are usually fakery designed to disguise my hatred into a capsule that is more socially acceptable. Well, Tricia and Jenn Baka just walked in, so I'm going to suspend the thoughts of this sober tale for later.

We'll sum up with these statments. I am skum, but Jesus loves me anyway and wants me to come to Him. When I do, he helps me and changes me. But I still really hate this whole needing God thing. and I hate that the people I'm trying to care about and rely on don't seem to care to do the same in return. I want to start expecting things from people but already find myself hurt, frustrated and feeling alone. I'm tired and watching a movie and going to bed. Goodnight.

-Storyteller