Today was wretched. I hated it. God used it expressly to show me that He still wants me to trust Him. I felt really jerked around all day, like Susan didn't want to talk to me at all. I asked God why He was doing this to me. First he says you need to be ok without a relationship, then I like her and I'm okay with that. Then he's like, you may never have her. Then he says over and over, yes. Now it feels like he's taking it all back, like dangling a toy before an infant only to rip it away. I know what I want. God and I have talked all about it. It seems like I may get it. But I may not. And that has to be ok.
Four times today I saw Susan, was even within 6 feet of her for at least a half an hour and unable to talk to her at all (like, there were other people at the lunch/dinner/breakfast table between us. It was so frustrating. And it really bothered me that it bothered me so much. She's not where I'm at, nowhere close, and so now I have to go back to acting like I'm not interested and wait for her to initiate conversation. I initiated and said I have interest, and until she kindles that again, I've gotta sit back and wait for her to want it. It's tough, because I really believe asking her out was the right thing, went well and all and I'm totally ready to date her.
At the RA meeting tonight, we talked for 45 minutes about a lie concerning a rule change (it was just to get us talking) and it made me really discouraged because it was a session trying to get us to be more committed to actively being involved in our guys' lives. Because we aren't. I'm so discouraged because of Shanesy. No matter what I do, I love him and want to see him do well. I want others to see what I see: an intelligent, competent, brilliant, hilarious tremendous tool that God could use to do way more than I am capable of. Yet he continues, regardless of my involvement and attempts to help him, hell-bent on shipwrecking his life.
Those are the circumstances that led to my emotional bankruptcy by evening. I'm worn thin, but one thing wonderful happened: I yelled at God for awhile. He listened patiently to my rants and fury as I spewed my frustrations and fears. He listened to every word. I was going to do some reading, but I honestly thought, "there's nothing in here that can help me." I turned randomly (I literally just flipped the Bible open) and read Romans 5. Verses 3-5 are as follows: More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because GOD'S LOVE HAS BEEN POURED INTO OUR HEARTS through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Total ownage.
I could hear clearly God speaking to me (that sounds so charismatic, call it whatever you want), saying something like this, "I love you. I'm doing this to develop endurance, character, and hope. I love you and I'm doing this for your benefit, to make you into the man you want to be so I can use you. I love you, Joe. Have you forgotten who I AM?"
God and I talked some more and I apologized, humiliated once again at my pride and selfishness and comforted by his love. Thank you Lord, you are so great, and I am so small. I am nothing, I need you. Thank you for your forgiveness and love.
-Storyteller
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