Where I am?

Blah?

This is kinda the way I feel and I'm not entirely sure why. Today in small groups chapel we talked about things in the book Crazy Love which got my mind thinking. The presented material was this: how often do we live our lives like today was the last day? Not often. Then I thought about my own life and the blah-ness of things now. It seems as though everything is on hold, at arms length, I don't know, something. It just seems like I'm not really living for anything. I know a few things that I want (namely Susan, to teach at camp, and to be financially free of all the crap going on now), but I am completely unable to effect those things. I either don't have the means or the ability to obtain all of those things.

I don't even know if this is it, but it's my best guess. Am I ready to die today? What if this was my last one? Sadly, I discovered today that I could cope with today being the last one. There's nothing I'm afraid of losing, nothing I'm clinging to, nothing I would be upset about losing that I have not already lost. ? I wrote that before I thought about it. Maybe this is more about Susan than I want to admit. I don't want this to be the reason; I don't want this to matter that much, but I think it does. Maybe it's just the withdrawal speaking. I don't know. I need to speak more with God about this.

insert long thought...

So I don't know what to do or where I am still, but at least I know there's actually a problem. I think I may go to the ug and get a drink and come back? I dunno. I need to do stuff and I have no friends (another stream of conscious thought) to hang out with tonight, so we'll see what I end up doing. I think I just feel (meaning it may or may not actually be true haha) like nobody understands me and that sucks.

I changed my mind. Maybe what I'm experiencing is simply a reeling feeling of sadness following a bunch of unexpected and stressful situations.

Insert conversation with Jeremy...

Conclusion: sometimes life just sucks. Looks like that's how this one's gonna end. Part II to come later...

-Storyteller